How to Mind Yourself, with Lucie Kavanagh

In the second part of our series on ‘How to Mind Yourself’, A Lust for Life asks regular A Lust for Life contributor Lucie Kavanagh how she takes care of herself and her mental health. You can read the first part of this series here.

Lucie, what does self-care mean to you?

Self care, to me, used to be something a bit self-indulgent and not really necessary – but I’ve learned how important it is to help me to stay as mentally healthy as I can. The range of things that it entails is always a learning experience. Just recently in therapy it was pointed out to me that part of self care is staying away from people/material/situations that are potential triggers – it was interesting to see that self care can be about what we do to mind ourselves and always what we choose not to do in our own best interests.

What does your daily routine look like, and how do you integrate ways to mind your mental health? 

I work from home (minding dogs). It’s always a bit of a struggle to not feel ashamed and guilty about not being able or ready to go out to work at the moment, but dog minding really suits me. It incorporates animals, who always make me feel better, and being at home-two things that really help me. After over 20 years of shift work, it’s still a novelty being in my own bed every night and forming my own routine means that if it’s hard to sleep, that’s ok, as long as I can accept that the following day I may not be at my best and not to be hard on myself about that. I try to organise my day in a way in which I can go out somewhere each day and if that’s difficult, that I can do what I need to do and follow up the difficult stuff with something enjoyable. If my concentration is bad I can flit from one thing to another and know that that’s ok.

What are the habits that make the biggest difference to your mental health?

I have a tendency to take on responsibility for things – physically and emotionally. I want to help. I think that if I can, then I should. Learning to catch myself at this and stand back from the situation until I can make an informed decision on what is my responsibility and what isn’t really helps to not become overwhelmed. I did DBT and the skills help me to identify how I am feeling-not always-but enough of the time to really help me to figure out what I need to do about it rather than feel myself drowning into a wave of emotion that is all jumbled and makes no sense.

Are there any other ways in which you make time to ‘mind yourself’ on a regular basis?

My evening routine is important, especially if it has been a busy or difficult day. I like to have a good book or something to watch and to do some drawing and just hide myself away.

What does a balanced life mean to you?

This was a very unknown concept to me for most of my life so I am still learning this one but to me it’s having equal time for work, relaxation, hobbies, family and friends. In the course of a day it could mean not being in one place constantly, not just one activity but variety and a number of things to focus on,

Are there things you say ‘no’ to that help you?

I definitely say no a lot more than I used to. I find social engagements very difficult and as much as I know I can’t isolate myself too much, sometimes it is just not possible and to force myself would cause a huge amount of mental distress so it does help to not have that pressure. I try to have an awareness of the events/activities that I know I will enjoy when I get there and the people that understand and those things really help as well. But certainly not being under pressure is a help. I do a lot of voluntary work for an animal rescue group and there are times that I need to put it aside or not look at posts or stories that will be upsetting and having this awareness is a good thing.

If someone is starting out to try and bring some meaningful self-care into their routine, what advice might you give them?

Rather than taking on board every bit of advice they read or get, to think about themselves and make it completely personal and meaningful for them. There’s no right or wrong. We know exercise is good for us but equally well, sometimes it’s not possible and just having a few minutes in the garden or a window open might be all we can manage and that’s ok. A self care routine shouldn’t cause guilt or pressure. It needs to focus on what helps us, what makes us smile and what we enjoy. As I also learned, it needs to take into account what is triggering or bad for us and how we can avoid those things.

Have you any advice on sustaining good habits?

I think good habits are easier to sustain if we are not depriving ourselves in anyway (eg. if aiming to eat healthily, making sure we still get treats or eat what we enjoy). Good habits need to be good because we like and enjoy them, not because we feel we “should” or have been told to do something. Self care can literally be anything-where we go, who we talk to, what we wear, what we see, hear, smell, taste, experience…there’s no limits.

Anything else you’d like to add on the subject of minding yourself and your mental health?

I think it’s important not to beat ourselves up when things go wrong (being a bit hypocritical saying this but I am learning too!) Instead of feeling bad, we can do what DBT calls a “chain”…look at what specifically went wrong and trace back the chain of events leading to it-what happened, what we thought and felt. Were we physically vulnerable due to stress, exhaustion or illness? Looking at what led up to a situation can be a real help to “break” the chain for next time and have a better outcome. Everything can be learning.