Healing anorexia and brushing out what’s under the carpet

I am 28 this year and have battled an eating disorder for the latter part of my teenage years and throughout my college life. Anorexia almost took my life away but thankfully I have reclaimed what is mine. What was once a burden only I carried is now something I want to share. I have always feared people will judge me for my not so perfect past. I now accept who I am and understand I cannot change the past.

My battle began at 16, although more than ten years ago it is still a raw and fresh memory. I cannot pin-point one exact event that initiated my illness. I can only describe it as the snowball that got bigger and bigger and inevitably avalanched out of control.

I now realise I was and probably still am a perfectionist. The difference is now I am more self-aware and know when I am being completely irrational. This constant strive for perfection ignited a voice all those years ago that repeatedly told me I was not good enough and to always push harder and be better. As a gullible teenager of course I believed this nonsense. It took away every inch of confidence I had.

I was deeply unhappy with who I was and felt repulsed when I looked in the mirror. The only form of coping with these feelings I found was to restrict my food. I suppose I found a comfort in knowing I could keep going on such a small amount of food. If I got through the day practically not eating I felt a sense of achievement. Before I knew it I had myself stripped down to a skeletal seven stone.

Of course I was blind to this, looking back now, it was complete denial. My Leaving Cert year may have masked my symptoms but along came college and a whole new experience. For most this is an exciting time of your life, new found freedom, new friends and a new life. For me this was not the case, my anorexia came back with a bang. To the outside world I looked like a hard working, dedicated student. Inside I was struggling significantly. I completely immersed myself in studying so I did not have to deal with the eating disorder. It was so much bigger than me and I did not have the energy to deal with it. Before I knew it my days were regimented and restricted. I feared the unknown or any deviation from my relentless routine that ruled my life. I will never forget the exhaustion I felt, the constant cold and the pain in my stomach.

As a younger child I was extremely active, from horse-riding to swimming or out on our bikes, I was always going. Now I had no energy for anything, afraid if I did any sports I would be forced to eat or even worse collapse in front of people. I was envious of people involved in clubs or sports. I remember climbing stairs to the library and having to stop at the top as I was experiencing pains in my chest. Not only was this illness affecting me physically, it was destroying all aspects of my life. I lost close friends because of my illness. Any invitation out was always declined.

Looking back it must have been frightening for them to see someone do this to themselves and probably unsure how to approach such an issue. It was an extremely isolating time, I felt I couldn’t speak to anyone, fearing I would be judged. I did not know what to do. I had cut myself off from everyone and everything in my life. I had just enough energy to get through the day. This horrible thing had taken everything.

One day coming to the end of my college days I decided I could not go on anymore. I needed help, tell someone how horrible this was and how tired I was, tired of the illness, tired of the loneliness, tired of the restriction, tired of the fear, just tired of everything.

From the moment I spoke to someone a weight lifted, finally someone I could open up to and help me out of this trap. My road to recovery was long and by no means smooth. But the more I spoke about my problems the easier everything became. I don’t know where I would be today if I didn’t decide to ask for help.

I hope anybody reading this suffering with an eating disorder or any kind of mental health illness realises they are not alone. Talk to someone, even if you are not prepared to deal with recovery, telling someone you have a problem is sometimes all it takes. Problems are not for brushing under the carpet, a problem shared is most definitely a problem halved.

I am now in a much better place both mentally and physically. I have even completed a Triathlon, something I could only have dreamed of a few years ago. Yes, the road was long getting here but completely worth it. I am now ready to tell people about my illness and hopefully help people realise they can get their life back.

Reading all the amazing stories people are sharing here on A Lust for Life is so inspiring. This is just my story and I hope it will encourage you to ask for help if you need it. It may seem like words on a page but putting them together is another big step for me. I now feel part of something extremely positive. If this story helps one person take the first step I know my effort will have been worth it.

Nobody should have to go through tough times alone.